Hands Up Billy - Novel (2023)
eBook £2 (free with Kindle Unlimited)
paperback £10
hardback £12.99
paperback £10
hardback £12.99
‘Darkly comic and comically tragic, sometimes farcical, always strangely believable. Raymond Carver meets
Twin Town in this erudite, cocksure, shining sweaty shambles of a masterpiece.'
Chris Moss, journalist and travel writer.
'Characters and places vividly drawn. Very funny and laced with socio-political comment.
Cinematic quality. Very clever. Loved it.'
BB Skone, Purewest DJ
'No-one ever grows up wanting to be a car salesman.'
Billy Wheeler, proprietor of Wheeler's Garage
This novel is for people who sell cars, and people who have bought cars off people who sell cars. It's about the chaotic life and times of the staff of a second-hand car dealership in a 'small brown town', somewhere in the Welsh valleys. Much like the used cars they sell, the staff have been around the block a few times and have had the odd prang, the odd dent, but none of them are write-offs... yet. What also unites them is that they are unlucky in love, and will cheat, blackmail and downright lie to close the deal.
Jon Tregenna once worked as a car-salesman in Swiss Cottage, London. He sold cars to, amongst many others, Alan Bennett, Liam Gallagher, Derek Jacobi and The Duchess of Kent.
(This is based on the S4C TV series Cowbois Ac Injans, which I created and wrote with my sister Cath Tregenna. Thanks to Chris Moss, Andrew Morris, Alan Hopkins and several others who read previous drafts. This is a major redraft of the previous novel, 'No-one Ever Grew Up Wanting To Be A Car Salesman' in 2015.)
Twin Town in this erudite, cocksure, shining sweaty shambles of a masterpiece.'
Chris Moss, journalist and travel writer.
'Characters and places vividly drawn. Very funny and laced with socio-political comment.
Cinematic quality. Very clever. Loved it.'
BB Skone, Purewest DJ
'No-one ever grows up wanting to be a car salesman.'
Billy Wheeler, proprietor of Wheeler's Garage
This novel is for people who sell cars, and people who have bought cars off people who sell cars. It's about the chaotic life and times of the staff of a second-hand car dealership in a 'small brown town', somewhere in the Welsh valleys. Much like the used cars they sell, the staff have been around the block a few times and have had the odd prang, the odd dent, but none of them are write-offs... yet. What also unites them is that they are unlucky in love, and will cheat, blackmail and downright lie to close the deal.
Jon Tregenna once worked as a car-salesman in Swiss Cottage, London. He sold cars to, amongst many others, Alan Bennett, Liam Gallagher, Derek Jacobi and The Duchess of Kent.
(This is based on the S4C TV series Cowbois Ac Injans, which I created and wrote with my sister Cath Tregenna. Thanks to Chris Moss, Andrew Morris, Alan Hopkins and several others who read previous drafts. This is a major redraft of the previous novel, 'No-one Ever Grew Up Wanting To Be A Car Salesman' in 2015.)
Reviews for the previous edition.
'I loved this. The writer creates a very believable world that despite its absurdity I found completely convincing. The characters are compelling, whether it is the desperate life of Balders which bounces from catastrophe to chaos, beset by his delusional cousins, his rapacious and devious landlord and his exasperated boss or the triumvirate of lost souls who populate the local pub reliving the same jokes day after day. This is a small town filled with people who are trying to make sense of a world that has passed them by. Billy urges his salesmen to sell his cars to punters who rarely appear, but he is haunted by the past. His new salesman is in town because his wife has come home to be with her father as he dies, but he is fleeing a failed career as a rock star, and there are more. Populated by movie writing debt collectors, bamboozled dogs, land speculating mayors, dope smoking town elders,sun bleached bunting, failed rock stars, existential rock stars, divorcees, desolate pubs and of course low mileage good runners.This book is great fun, well drawn characters in a very convincing setting. The pace is compelling and somehow you really find yourself caring about these people. The book is funny and the book is stark. I agree with the previous reviewer, the writer has happened upon a really rich vein of humour and observation and I would be very surprised if this does not develop into something else. Grab a copy now before it becomes too popular.'
David Thomas
'I've read a lot of books in my time, but I have to confess, I've never read anything quite like this. Yes, it is about car salesmen and I can't think of a single other volume with that as a theme. It is set in the Welsh valleys, in deprived, emptied, sad lands; places where no one has worked for a long time and where opportunities are scarce, and probably the best thing to do is just leave; places where people do indeed try to leave but somehow get pulled back to. It is funny. Darkly comic and comically tragic, sometimes farcical, always strangely believable. It is insightful, modern, sexy, street-wise, clever, almost (I hate this expression) post modern. It is constantly surprising and I was taken off guard numberless times. As an example, the book starts with the words "the end". Pulling this off successfully demonstrates that the writer has both great talent and experience. There is a big cast of characters and a plot that takes no prisoners. Keep up or you will be lost. There is no pedestrian explanation of motivation or even of what exactly is happening. The author assumes that you are smart enough and sufficiently mature to figure out what's happening without it being spelt out. I found this remarkably flattering and engaging. The main character is an anti hero named Balders; middle aged, hopeless, trying desperately to pay overdue rent to a demanding landlord, to fend off his two cousins, Ryan and Bryan, who also serve as the local bailiffs and to keep his job at Wheelers, the only car salesroom in town. Balders has a secret life, the details of which I will not divulge to prevent spoiling the read for you. Ranged around this central character, and his mischievous rescue mutt, is a group of heroes and villains, men and women whose attempts to thrive and survive in the inhospitable world they inhabit, makes up the drama of the book. You are introduced to a wide cast of characters, all three dimensional, very human, convincingly and uncynically depicted by a writer who has clearly met with many of them. You will recognise them too. The episodic, plot-led, visually almost slapstick nature of this book screams out to be made into a series for television. I cannot imagine why no one has yet thought to make a sitcom based in a car sales room. It is the perfect environment to introduce the wild and wonderful array of characters we meet here and to expose the humour and pathos of the lives they lead. If this does not end up made into a TV show or in a movie I should be very surprised as it is perfect for it. Meanwhile I do encourage you to read this life enhancing, highly enjoyable book.'
Ros Healy
A little exposure to Wales is an advantage but don't worry if you are lacking that benefit - just read Under Milk Wood first to get a flavour of the lyrical Welsh take on life and everything! Jon Tregenna has captured the feel of a small Welsh town beautifully. His characters are well written and whilst sometimes nudging the border of credibility they are always captivating. As the various strands of the various story elements interweave I was dying to know how the characters could escape the consequences of their actions. A book that deserves far more recognition that it seems to have enjoyed. Strongly recommended.
Toby N
'Fearing that this would be as riveting a read as an MOT certificate, 10 pages in, to my surprise, I found myself mildly intrigued, 20 pages in, mildly enthralled and 30 pages in, well and truly hooked. So, is this book a comedy, thriller, rom/com, drama or farce? Yes, yes, yes, yes and er, yes! Fast-paced and deftly written, it has all the twists and turns of a cracking whodunnit but a whodunnit in which everybody dunnit at some time or other and all have to deal with the consequences in the only way their crazy yet believable personalities allow. A delight from start to finish, this book performs the difficult trick of seeming a wonderful entity in itself yet one that leaves the reader with an insatiable hunger for a sequel. Unreservedly recommended.'
Jane Harland
'Insight is a wonderful thing. I always felt - years ago, while managing bars that I could write volumes upon people and their sometimes-twisted lives, which I saw on a daily basis. In, "Hands Up Billy, Jon Tregenna has done exactly what I have only thought of doing over years of meeting people, working with people and accumulating bizarre visual and intimate habits as years have passed. Set in Wheeler's Garage in the fictional town of Drefawr (Big Town in Welsh) in the Welsh valleys; we see the bitter-sweet and unpredictable - yet perhaps déjà vu for anyone - who has lived in small, confining towns in Wales. For this hysterically funny read; we see the characters of Manny, a hopeful young father forced to move back to his wife's home town from London due to his father-in-law's ill health, for a quieter life than the exciting band member he would have hoped to be in the big smoke. As a stark contrast to his lifestyle of compromise, adultery and frustration, we see his working nemesis at Wheeler's as Balders; a middle-aged character with only a mundane history of car dealership, no life-partners and a very-well written character, who would irritate the most patient of people. With Billy Wheeler as the dealership manager; the tides of relationship tension and consequent humour ebb and flow in daily small town life. Tregenna's clear knowledge of quirky characters to be found in local car vendors, public houses and homes in less-than-cosmopolitan municipal areas - shines in his first novel. I felt I had previously been in the company of many of the book's characters at some point in my past, while reading. The outcome of this was breathless laughter, constant grinning and knowing nods throughout the read. Tension bubbles, then crescendos between best friends Claire, Manny's wife; and Gina, Billy Wheeler's daughter for the attention and sanity of Manny. Without handing out spoilers, the secrets kept after drunken frolics in Drefawr's population are those we surely have all seen in each and every class of life. The huge key here is in the humour surrounding the ridiculous amid the drama, creating great comedy. As the rocky journeys unfold, the narrative is full of random, inane mirth, due to the ducking-and-diving of other individuals. Balders' cousins; Bryan and Ryan are the story's local hard boys. Not a grain of common sense between either, but recognisable in their hard-handed, businesslike money-grabbing ethics as well as outlandish film-making hopes. Balders' landlord, Mr Minchin also serves as a shadowy persona while Sir Arthur Pwll-Thomas and his sniggering, fallible poshness is a personal favourite. His intolerant "nyeh" catchphrase is the type who potentially could have cult t-shirts made in future, should the book succeed according to its potential. The language of South Wales' edgy lilt, for those that may not know it, is successfully displayed in the text. For anyone who has seen the 1997 classic Twin Town, this could easily be an on-screen follow-up with its comic timing, sublime incidents and all-round everyday silliness. Historical context in terms of the town and surrounding area's industrial past is also beautifully sown in to the storyline to give the backdrop an extra sense of reality, when introducing various scenes. A highly-recommended read for its punchy risibility. The variety and contrast of characters, each with their own secrets underlined by the dichotomy between a content, slower pace of life and the unknown opportunities of a large city is captured in the untrusting atmosphere of a capitalistic car salesroom, as well as the conniving geezers and unfulfilled women of macho South Wales. I would happily start reading it again, but have promised it to my wife. I now wait expectantly for guffaws from the other side of the sofa.
Nathan Jones
'I loved this. The writer creates a very believable world that despite its absurdity I found completely convincing. The characters are compelling, whether it is the desperate life of Balders which bounces from catastrophe to chaos, beset by his delusional cousins, his rapacious and devious landlord and his exasperated boss or the triumvirate of lost souls who populate the local pub reliving the same jokes day after day. This is a small town filled with people who are trying to make sense of a world that has passed them by. Billy urges his salesmen to sell his cars to punters who rarely appear, but he is haunted by the past. His new salesman is in town because his wife has come home to be with her father as he dies, but he is fleeing a failed career as a rock star, and there are more. Populated by movie writing debt collectors, bamboozled dogs, land speculating mayors, dope smoking town elders,sun bleached bunting, failed rock stars, existential rock stars, divorcees, desolate pubs and of course low mileage good runners.This book is great fun, well drawn characters in a very convincing setting. The pace is compelling and somehow you really find yourself caring about these people. The book is funny and the book is stark. I agree with the previous reviewer, the writer has happened upon a really rich vein of humour and observation and I would be very surprised if this does not develop into something else. Grab a copy now before it becomes too popular.'
David Thomas
'I've read a lot of books in my time, but I have to confess, I've never read anything quite like this. Yes, it is about car salesmen and I can't think of a single other volume with that as a theme. It is set in the Welsh valleys, in deprived, emptied, sad lands; places where no one has worked for a long time and where opportunities are scarce, and probably the best thing to do is just leave; places where people do indeed try to leave but somehow get pulled back to. It is funny. Darkly comic and comically tragic, sometimes farcical, always strangely believable. It is insightful, modern, sexy, street-wise, clever, almost (I hate this expression) post modern. It is constantly surprising and I was taken off guard numberless times. As an example, the book starts with the words "the end". Pulling this off successfully demonstrates that the writer has both great talent and experience. There is a big cast of characters and a plot that takes no prisoners. Keep up or you will be lost. There is no pedestrian explanation of motivation or even of what exactly is happening. The author assumes that you are smart enough and sufficiently mature to figure out what's happening without it being spelt out. I found this remarkably flattering and engaging. The main character is an anti hero named Balders; middle aged, hopeless, trying desperately to pay overdue rent to a demanding landlord, to fend off his two cousins, Ryan and Bryan, who also serve as the local bailiffs and to keep his job at Wheelers, the only car salesroom in town. Balders has a secret life, the details of which I will not divulge to prevent spoiling the read for you. Ranged around this central character, and his mischievous rescue mutt, is a group of heroes and villains, men and women whose attempts to thrive and survive in the inhospitable world they inhabit, makes up the drama of the book. You are introduced to a wide cast of characters, all three dimensional, very human, convincingly and uncynically depicted by a writer who has clearly met with many of them. You will recognise them too. The episodic, plot-led, visually almost slapstick nature of this book screams out to be made into a series for television. I cannot imagine why no one has yet thought to make a sitcom based in a car sales room. It is the perfect environment to introduce the wild and wonderful array of characters we meet here and to expose the humour and pathos of the lives they lead. If this does not end up made into a TV show or in a movie I should be very surprised as it is perfect for it. Meanwhile I do encourage you to read this life enhancing, highly enjoyable book.'
Ros Healy
A little exposure to Wales is an advantage but don't worry if you are lacking that benefit - just read Under Milk Wood first to get a flavour of the lyrical Welsh take on life and everything! Jon Tregenna has captured the feel of a small Welsh town beautifully. His characters are well written and whilst sometimes nudging the border of credibility they are always captivating. As the various strands of the various story elements interweave I was dying to know how the characters could escape the consequences of their actions. A book that deserves far more recognition that it seems to have enjoyed. Strongly recommended.
Toby N
'Fearing that this would be as riveting a read as an MOT certificate, 10 pages in, to my surprise, I found myself mildly intrigued, 20 pages in, mildly enthralled and 30 pages in, well and truly hooked. So, is this book a comedy, thriller, rom/com, drama or farce? Yes, yes, yes, yes and er, yes! Fast-paced and deftly written, it has all the twists and turns of a cracking whodunnit but a whodunnit in which everybody dunnit at some time or other and all have to deal with the consequences in the only way their crazy yet believable personalities allow. A delight from start to finish, this book performs the difficult trick of seeming a wonderful entity in itself yet one that leaves the reader with an insatiable hunger for a sequel. Unreservedly recommended.'
Jane Harland
'Insight is a wonderful thing. I always felt - years ago, while managing bars that I could write volumes upon people and their sometimes-twisted lives, which I saw on a daily basis. In, "Hands Up Billy, Jon Tregenna has done exactly what I have only thought of doing over years of meeting people, working with people and accumulating bizarre visual and intimate habits as years have passed. Set in Wheeler's Garage in the fictional town of Drefawr (Big Town in Welsh) in the Welsh valleys; we see the bitter-sweet and unpredictable - yet perhaps déjà vu for anyone - who has lived in small, confining towns in Wales. For this hysterically funny read; we see the characters of Manny, a hopeful young father forced to move back to his wife's home town from London due to his father-in-law's ill health, for a quieter life than the exciting band member he would have hoped to be in the big smoke. As a stark contrast to his lifestyle of compromise, adultery and frustration, we see his working nemesis at Wheeler's as Balders; a middle-aged character with only a mundane history of car dealership, no life-partners and a very-well written character, who would irritate the most patient of people. With Billy Wheeler as the dealership manager; the tides of relationship tension and consequent humour ebb and flow in daily small town life. Tregenna's clear knowledge of quirky characters to be found in local car vendors, public houses and homes in less-than-cosmopolitan municipal areas - shines in his first novel. I felt I had previously been in the company of many of the book's characters at some point in my past, while reading. The outcome of this was breathless laughter, constant grinning and knowing nods throughout the read. Tension bubbles, then crescendos between best friends Claire, Manny's wife; and Gina, Billy Wheeler's daughter for the attention and sanity of Manny. Without handing out spoilers, the secrets kept after drunken frolics in Drefawr's population are those we surely have all seen in each and every class of life. The huge key here is in the humour surrounding the ridiculous amid the drama, creating great comedy. As the rocky journeys unfold, the narrative is full of random, inane mirth, due to the ducking-and-diving of other individuals. Balders' cousins; Bryan and Ryan are the story's local hard boys. Not a grain of common sense between either, but recognisable in their hard-handed, businesslike money-grabbing ethics as well as outlandish film-making hopes. Balders' landlord, Mr Minchin also serves as a shadowy persona while Sir Arthur Pwll-Thomas and his sniggering, fallible poshness is a personal favourite. His intolerant "nyeh" catchphrase is the type who potentially could have cult t-shirts made in future, should the book succeed according to its potential. The language of South Wales' edgy lilt, for those that may not know it, is successfully displayed in the text. For anyone who has seen the 1997 classic Twin Town, this could easily be an on-screen follow-up with its comic timing, sublime incidents and all-round everyday silliness. Historical context in terms of the town and surrounding area's industrial past is also beautifully sown in to the storyline to give the backdrop an extra sense of reality, when introducing various scenes. A highly-recommended read for its punchy risibility. The variety and contrast of characters, each with their own secrets underlined by the dichotomy between a content, slower pace of life and the unknown opportunities of a large city is captured in the untrusting atmosphere of a capitalistic car salesroom, as well as the conniving geezers and unfulfilled women of macho South Wales. I would happily start reading it again, but have promised it to my wife. I now wait expectantly for guffaws from the other side of the sofa.
Nathan Jones